Introduction
Everyone is talking about authenticity and belonging today. Many trending podcast guests discuss these two terms and advise us on how to be authentic and how to know our true attachment style so that we can be free to belong to others in a fulfilling way. Social media posts often contain references to these two psychological concepts and not a few are those in whose vocabulary you will find these two words. As is often the case with certain issues that are trending, these words end up being used without discrimination, some people even use them as if there is religious significance in them. Unfortunately, this ends up trivializing these words instead of filling them with real meaning. To speak out of the proper context and without personally assuming the practical meaning of the two concepts inevitably leads to an increased sense of virtuality and a diminished sense of reality, of those experiences that lie behind the words spoken. This is sad because authenticity and belonging are fundamental constitutional elements in the realization of a healthy self, and to have a practical knowledge of what they represent is essential for our good living as humans among humans.
Authenticity
Does anyone still believe in truth today? Too few… Truth no longer exists in an objective sense for this post-Christian culture. For today’s man, truth exists only in a relative sense, that is to say in relation to an aspect external to his subjective intentions. Thus, the phenomenon to be understood is measured, and if it is found to be in conformity with what is already established, it becomes authenticated in relation to the consensus assumed by society. It is sad, but nowadays, truth has more to do with geometric figures and numbers than with that form of personal courage that involves assuming who you really are. But when we talk about authenticity, we are talking about truth in the sense of subjective life, that inner truth which is freely shared with others and which concerns the notion of objectivity insofar as it is assumed as a personal desire and not as a social influence. Conformity to the desires of others has no place in authenticity, because to conform means to double oneself, to falsify oneself, to mold oneself after the other, that is to say, to renounce one’s authenticity. It is good to be authentic, it is even vital, but healthy authenticity must also enable the other person to become authentic. Without such interpersonal dialog, healthy relationships and attachments cannot be built. Otherwise, without respecting and valuing the other person, you will easily fall into domination, even narcissism, if your authenticity annihilates your neighbor’s right to manifest his uniqueness. It is a fascinating paradox, but only true life, that which is beyond the antagonistic dual categories, can allow such a space of relationship to emerge and to be nurtured. This life, which seems utopian to some, is the result of vulnerability and assumption in interpersonal relationships. It is by no means the apparently ideal manifestation of someone who is unwilling to present his or her desires to those before whom he or she is weak. Captivated by their own narcissism, they seek either to manipulate the other person submissively, fulfilling their desires under the guise of a lack of discernment, or, on the other hand, if they are more fierce by nature, they impose their point of view, unapologetically canceling out the desires and perspective of others. The premise of authenticity is therefore the awareness of one’s own weakness in the face of personal desires, but also the courage to express them even in the face of the disapproval of others. But when we talk about mature authenticity, we are talking about respecting the validity of the other person’s weakness in the face of one’s own desires, and perhaps even supporting them in the process of self-expression. I’m talking here about normal relationships, by no means about borderline situations, which require violation of personal moral values.
Belonging
If authenticity is about who you are and your free differentiation from others, belonging is about the integration of individuality with the social whole. Although you are you and they are them, you are not completely different from others, but you in turn are part of a larger community. It is only about others that you can define yourself, both negatively as an individuality and positively as a self that belongs to a community. In the case of belonging, the problem of exaggerated individualism often arises. You end up feeling so special that others, beyond all good intentions, have no chance of understanding you. We are so different, unique, and authentic in our particular aspects that we find ourselves lacking any common basis for healthy relationships. We come to exclude anyone who does not validate our preferences, even becoming hostile when we no longer feel entitled to express our individuality free from censorship. Belonging to others is essential because we humans cannot exist only in relationships. We are conceived in the relationships between a man and a woman and we receive physical and emotional nourishment through the relationships in our family of origin. We internalize the figure of others into our psyche and develop ourselves through relationships, we progress by learning to cooperate in our play and work. It all begins and ends through relationships, even after we have descended into the earth’s womb, we still need others, so that through them we can be remembered. To exclude belonging in favor of an absolutist authenticity inevitably leads to cutting off the source of what is alive and fulfilling in your experience. So healthy attachment allows you to express who you are, as life flows through you spontaneously and naturally, but it also allows others to manifest themselves unencumbered by the uniqueness of your choices. You can say you are proposing, not imposing. Psychology also talks about certain types of attachment that are unhealthy, and about different ways of belonging to others in a deficient way. First of all, we have an anxious attachment. In this case, you feel a constant need to be approved and validated, you want to please others, and you are prone to even feeling embarrassed when your relationship partner is not satisfied with what you are offering. In this case, we are primarily talking about sacrificing authenticity as uniqueness, as an abandonment of your individuality, and the fear of exploring reality without being under the other is very great. The second type of dysfunctional attachment is the avoidant attachment, the one that does not seek intimacy, characteristic of those with an exacerbated sense of autonomy. In this case, too, the fear of separation is very high, but the defense mechanism is the complete opposite of the anxious attachment. If there you cling to the other, here you never really cling to him. What you are unconsciously telling yourself goes something like this: if you are not attached to your relationship partner, their detachment from you will not hurt you. So, that part of your authentic interiority, that soft and alive part, the part that implies weakness in the face of the desire to be with the other and not to be left, becomes less or more blocked. The anxious person therefore chooses to allow himself to be homogenized by the other relationship partner because this is the only way he can maintain the illusion that he has a relationship untroubled by any emotional conflict. The avoidant, on the other hand, chooses to detach himself from the relationship and does not cultivate real intimacy, which is too dangerous for him, thus protecting himself from the possibility of experiencing emotional disturbance in the relationship. There is also a third type of attachment, the disorganized one, which is a sum of the first two, but it represents a very dysfunctional style of relating and is not the target of our interests.
Conclusion
The dance of our relationships involves both the need for authenticity and the need to belong. To be in healthy relationships requires us to be authentically ourselves, and to be known for who we are. Still, belonging is essential to life, you cannot exist without community if you want to live a fulfilled life. But when our authenticity finds no one different from us, no one who can welcome it despite our differences, no one who can be authentic with us, ask yourself whether you are not defending yourself from the other, protecting yourself from the others who might notice the reality of your weakness. Ask yourself, is it a sense of shame that keeps you trapped in a world where there is no place for anyone but yourself? Because yes, the other is different from you and you cannot control him, therefore. You cannot control him and predict how things will unfold between you, how he will perceive you, whether he will reject or disapprove of you, whether you will experience shame and feel offended, even devalued. You cannot…
You can only be authentic in your relationships by giving others the same opportunity!
