I was recently leafing through a book and came across a sentence that caught my attention and stuck in my mind: “Every obstacle is an opportunity!” Usually, when we encounter obstacles in our path, most of us get demotivated, complain, and victimize ourselves, only to end up self-excusing ourselves from the chance to overcome them. In this article I want to present 5 obstacles that I believe wives encounter in the early years of their marriage, obstacles that can be turned into real opportunities for growth and development, both relational and personal. I’m not saying these obstacles come the way of all women, but maybe you’ve battled at least one.
1. They have preconceptions and don’t make the necessary effort to integrate into the new family.
2. They compare their relationship with others around them.
3. They want to burn steps to get straight to mature love.
4. They don’t have the patience with their husbands to take on new initiatives and make those inevitable mistakes that are so necessary in their journey to maturity as men.
5. They don’t have the patience to reach financial stability.
1. They have preconceptions and don’t make the necessary effort to integrate into the new family.
I am very aware that there are people out there who are exceptionally difficult and emotionally/spiritually immature. This is going to result in a lot of control, manipulation to get their way, victimization to get attention and the list goes on. It’s very unpleasant to be objectified, to not be seen as a free being with the right to choose and express yourself, but this I want to believe is the exception. This exception is where you do what you can, you try different methods of communication, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but generally it’s not up to you. However, many times young wives enter the new family with many preconceptions that prevent them from forming real relationships with their husband’s family. Generally, these preconceptions are about the mother-in-law, you mentally fixate on how bad she’s going to be, that she’s going to be intrusive, without boundaries, but you don’t even give her a chance to make herself known. You don’t go in curious to get to know her personality, to bond in a relationship, you stay ready to go on the defensive whenever you need to. You let fear lead you down a blind alley. This leads to family breakdowns, and I don’t mean the healthy breakdown and separation that each spouse needs to have from their family to form a new, healthy, well-rounded cell. The husband may feel caught between two parties, parties he loves equally, parties he can hardly reconcile if they have taken out the battle-axe or they are standing with it ready to attack. When you’re mentally set on the defensive, more than often the other side will fight in return. Dear wives, if it has been hard for you to break away from your family, it can be hard for your husband too, be patient and act wisely, set healthy boundaries but don’t turn them into unbreakable walls. Don’t create unnecessary tension, a genuine way of communication may actually be found, because you are wise and strong when you let go of prejudices.
2. They compare their relationship with other relationships around them.
Stop comparing your relationship! If you are unique and unrepeatable in this world, then so is your relationship. No one can ever live what you live, but neither can you live what you think others live. It’s your choice if you make your relationship worth it! Don’t take even positive comparisons to your relationship, comparison affects perception whether positive or negative. Comparison only makes sense when you evaluate yourself against what you have been in the past and seek to observe your becoming. Even if it sounds cliché, you will come to see that this is true when you start to actively participate in your development. If you are doing well, others around you will do well too, because you can only offer others what you already offer to yourself. If you take care of your soul, your intellect, your emotions, if you invest in the things that really matter, you won’t even have time to look at the garden of others, because the present needs to be lived moment by moment, and the garden of your life needs to be watered constantly. Then comes the rest and the harvest of the fields. Remember, no one only displays what they want to be seen, so don’t waste your precious time admiring an ideal advertisement!
3. They want to burn steps to get straight to mature love.
Love is one of the most complex and fulfilling experiences available to man. However, the really sad thing is that much of the information that exists around us about love is more misleading than enlightening. This is one of the subjects most affected by society’s preconceived myths and ideals that often bear no relation to the reality of everyday life. Psychologically speaking, there are three stages of love: falling in love, the power struggle, and full/mature love. Falling in love is the most superficial form. This first stage lasts about a year and a half, maybe two, and because of your high oxytocin levels, you only project onto your partner what you like about him. That is, all those great things you see in your husband that help you to validate the wonderful choice you’ve just made. So, you feel like you’ve found heaven on earth. This is where a lot of relationships stop because “I don’t feel anything for you anymore” not because I’m immature and looking for the same feeling again. If you make it past this first stage, which is wonderful by the way, and this should be noted, you get to the power struggle stage. This is where the illusion of the extraordinary starts to fragment and the filters start to fall away and whoops, flaws start to surface. But if you manage to integrate them into the relationship, you integrate yours, he integrates his, you begin to experience an intense passion where attachment merges with feelings and it’s really quite enjoyable. Finally, you reach mature love when things start to settle down and the love is characterized by devotion and a deep sense of friendship and trust. It’s only now that the extraordinary stage begins. It is important to know these stages and enjoy each one individually because each one has its purpose.
In general, we women tend to burn out stages or maybe it’s just me. Some of us want to be loved passionately, and madly, which means we always want to stay in the first stage, others, just want peace, to be loved maturely from the very first moment, without going through the labor of the first stages. Well, this is not possible. Either you stay in the relationship and discover yourself and your spouse in the relationship or you get out of the relationship and use the slogan of today’s sick society “We don’t love each other anymore, it’s just routine”. Dear young wives, if we want to mature and reach mature love, we should stay in the relationship and bravely go through these stages. WARNING, this is not the case for abusive relationships!
4. They don’t have the patience with their husbands to take on new initiatives and make those inevitable mistakes that are so necessary in their journey to maturity as men
Many times, we as women have expectations that once we have our marriage certificate in hand, we will have a 100% financially, emotionally, socially, and relationally experienced husband. So we relate to him as if he should know exactly what a family entails and know exactly what he has to do. But they don’t, they have a lot of challenges, they have to make tough decisions sometimes, there are internal tensions that are hard to manage and that’s not just for you, but for him as well. You are two people, so the problems to manage are twice as many, in terms of the number of situations that can arise. I know that many times, the safety of their actions, means the safety and stability of ours. Most of them are aware of this and the extra pressure on them might lead to just the opposite, which means instability due to too much pressure. So if he makes mistakes, be patient, the man needs to feel that you credit him, that you believe in him, and that you validate him in his new status as a husband. That will motivate him to fight, to make the best decisions, not your nagging he needs, be sure! Today’s consumerist society no longer teaches you to fix things, maintain things, take care of relationships, or be patient with a plant to grow, no, you get it ready grown. The relationship has to work right the first time, if it doesn’t work, it’s not functional, when in fact, we make it work or not. It’s a collaboration between the two. Enjoy the process and stop letting society dictate how to live your life and your love relationship!
5. They don’t have the patience to reach financial stability.
Any start is difficult, marriage is no exception. Quite often, arguments in couples arise because of financial problems, especially in cases where only one spouse works. People also find it very difficult to have discussions about money and put them off until they get frustrated. Since you are at the beginning of everything, I think you need to have discussions on this topic as well and work things out together. Girls, if your husband doesn’t earn enough to take you on those exotic Instagram vacations, don’t get frustrated. Try to figure out how you can help, how you can support him so that he has more confidence. He may be out of a job, he may have to change fields, and many situations can arise. But the most important thing is to think about what gives you value as a woman (expensive clothes, exotic holidays, the latest phone, the latest car, etc). If that’s all, maybe you should start reconfiguring your inner self. The things listed above are not bad but should come as an addition to what we already have inside us. Jewels are nice, they have been used in the past as a sign of royalty. But it is not the jewels that make the king a king, it is the king who wears the jewels. So do we and the accessories we own and use. They do not give us status, they are just a consequence of the fact that we already have that status. So if we understand that without getting frustrated, even if we don’t own all the accessories yet, that means we are truly free. Be patient, wealth only comes to those who are patient with it. They can do it because they already own it, internally or externally, therefore they are not fixated on getting it instantly.
I want to conclude by reminding you that family is important, both yours and his, so let’s make the necessary effort to achieve harmony. Don’t try to burn steps and be patient with yourself and your spouse, love is worth all the time and all the effort!
Sincerely,
A young wife
